3ve’s blog…duh!

BOO!!! HHahahaha….finally!! I’m getting 6 days of holiday!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! Can u imagine? SIX days without coll!! YEeeeeaaaahhhhh! Heheheh,…eh, 6 days of holiday for an A-Levels student is very very rare ok? Heheheheh…usually they think we are machines working 24 hours a day! But during these holidays…was planing to catch up on my studies since the finals are drawing near! Sigh!! I wanna maintain my scholarship!! Boo Hoo!!! Hav to study harder this semester al’d, it’s getting harder and harder!! Sigh! Sometimes i really wonder why did i choose A-Levels in the first place….!!

Well, watched Zorro 2 today. Wasnt planned at all!! Was having lunch with a good fren this afternoon , then his frens called out for a movie "corpse bride" at sunway pyramid. I was thinking to go there to get a birthday present for my dad oso…so, he dragged me along to the movie. Anyways, i didnt regret!! Hehehe, it’s such a nice movie! It was action-packed, romance and oso lots of humour! Hehehehe…. wanted to buy "The angels and demons" by Dan Brown for my dad wan…but no stock!! Cis! (Coz if i buy tat, i can read oso mar…muahahahha!! Buy John Grisham i dun like to read!!) So, i ended up buying an alternative gift..it was okay. Then had A&W dinner with my fren again , coz my mom went out without dinner at home! Hahahha…then after that nth much lo! Hehehehe…

Thought of the day….That day i watched "a cinderella story" by hillary duff. Turns out to a quite meaningful movie. Not only it’s the normal chick -flick u know…but there’s a deep meaning behind it. Hillary Duff meets this cute guy on9 and they met each other, turns out tat the guy was one of the most famous guys in the school, and she’s the low class student in school. The guy didnt wanna talk to her after he found out who cinderella was…and when she confronted him, she said this:" I know that somewhere in u is the guy that i talked to in the internet, but i’m done waiting for him. Coz waiting for u is like waiting for rain in the drought……hopeless, and disappointing." Somehow, wat she said really struck me. There’s time period for u to speak up, and after that ppl starts moving away…barely bcoz they cant stand the disappointment anymore. We should realize, somethings jus cant return to the way they are after u hav "missed the bus". Totally understand tat feeling of waiting for the rain to come. Sometimes i think i’ve waited more than i should. But i jus didnt budge from my position. Something that prones me not to get up and walk away. Soon in the future everything would be clear.

Sometimes i wonder whether is it psychological tat u always dun get wat u wan and get wat u dun wan? I always hav this feelings, if i imagine something that seems too good to be true, it wont happen. But when i choose not to day dream bout it, it happens. Often catching us at the weirdest moments or the time where we least aspect. Sigh….life is such a ‘mar fan’ thing!!

~Going crazy for one nite is a fair price to pay compared to the moments i lost myself during this long period of time. I’m tired of waiting for the one i knew. Coz every hope had evaporated from me and i dun see any rain coming. I may not hav the guts to say it aloud, but at least i’ve tried! I dun see a drizzle or even a drip from u anymore!

Howdy! Anyways….glad tat i hav the time to update my blog today. It has been long. Hehehhee…more and more lazy al’d….last time update almost everyday…now…sigh!!!

Well, these few days had been quite something. Experience a lot of stuff and learn a lot of things. CF is getting more and more busy. The T-shirt is soon to be done al’d…hope everything will turn out great. Hehehhe…looking for a suitable place for our camp next year. Ive been drying up lately….dragging my feet as i walk my daily path…and i knew i had to do something. Somehow, i joined the prayer meeting in CF and it was a whole new experience!! MAn!! It was great, i feel refreshed and in a lot of ways, it has helped me.

Watched "Sky high" tat day wit a fren. Hehehe….quite nice. Not bad. It was a fun movie to watch and laugh. At first i tot it would be too kiddy, but at last it turned out not bad.

As for my thought of the day….i talked to a fren about a problem tat has bothered me a long time tat day. Somehow, though through a short conversation, i was inspired to confront the matter. But as soon as i left for home….i chickened out again. Now, i hav no idea wat’s the nextstep, or is there any next step. I dun feel like thinking bout it, but i know it’s there. So dry nowadays, i need to drink. I dare not commit myself anymore and i find this highly contradicting to myself. I wanted to commit my heart, but something is holding me back…i guess…fear? U dun wanna risk myself again…i dun wanna do things that doesnt hav any return. I dun know why i’m having all these thinking. I’m confused myself….maybe still running away from the real world. I need someone to come and slap me right in the face…i yearn to wake up from this illusion if someone can just come and save me…

I’m falling into the trap i’ve once fell so deep into. Restraining myself is like digging my nails into the walls of the pit. Clawing as hard as i could to rise my head above the pit for a tiny gasp of air. Every muscle in my body tempts me to let go…using the last ounce of energy possible to save myself from falling deeper. It hurts….but it’s what i know i hav to do. Unless God is willing to reach out and move His hands for a lil’ miracle, i would still be clinging on as long as i can.

Hey hey!!! Hehehhee….has been tremendously busy these few days, so cannot blame me ok!! heheheh…now, every week i hav at least two Quizes/tests…and 2 dance classes to go to, 1 dance to cheorograph, 11 more essay questions to do and 1 assignment to due. so….it’s kinda hard for me to find time to even sleep! Now u can imagine wat i look like!! I look like a dead corpse walking around. How to get guy like tat?!! Hahahahaha…Jus kidding!!

Many many things had happened during the pass few days. Rene’s work was done after last Sunday. Everything went well, though we didnt manage to win anything, but still, we had a great time. Hahahah…except for my feet i guess.

And at the same time, my Favourite uncle passed away. I didnt cry at first when i recieve the message. I had never cried for a relative that died b4…so i guess i was jus feeling tat again. But soon after as it sinks in….i realize, i missed him alot. Up until now i can still imagine his face talking to me. The great big uncle tat always give me a great big hug whenever i reach his house. He gives a lot of encouragement and advices to me. I will never ever delete the only email he sent to me. Congratulating me on my SPM results. I really appreciate it. But the happiest thing is, a stubborn man like my uncle actually accepted Christ after so many years of denied Christianity. Is it becoz he knew he wasnt going to survive? Or was it the insecurity that led him to cling on to something? But clearly i know that he wasnt that kind of man. He is someone who only depends on himself. If he didnt think properly of something, he wouldnt hav done it. By God’s grace, he was also baptized, publicly announced that he was a follower of God now. I was so happy to hear the news. The only comfort i hav is that he is up there somewhere, in a place where he is free from any suffer and pain. One day, if i can make it through God’s mercy, i’m going to see him again. This is jus a temporary separation.

Thought of the day….my mood has not been improving lately…i still feel wat i felt the last time i updated my blog. I dun know how long hav i tolerated with this feeling….somehow i grew to be immune to it al’d. The confusing signs are blurring me away. And yesterday, i was watching scrubs….no matter wat the outcome maybe, we will always be glad that we took the risk. Taking risks right now in my period of life now would be the hardest thing to do. I had been taking risks for avery very very long time al’d. And almost each time i take them, results are too hurtful to endure. Am i willing to 4get everything that has happened and jus totally wipe off every single memory? Living as if nth has happened? I’ve misinterpret the ’sign’…it meant ‘goodbye’…yet i was interpreting the total opposite of it. I dun know whether i’m waking up to reality or to another dream…i hav no idea who am i anymore…

sOng Got StUCk

CAnt remember the song title al’d….it says: u’re beautiful…u’re beautiful it’s true, i saw ur face, in a crowded place…and i dun know wat to do….i will never be with u….but it’s tiem to face the truth…i will never be with u…"

~Maybe i should face the truth….