3ve’s blog…duh!

Hey hey, today is a wednesday…which means, it’s stressful day! I’m so glad tat it’s over! Hahaha! Chem, maths and bio all in one straight line and two hours each of lecturing! Believe me, it kills the brain cells faster than syanide! Hahaha…anyways, tomolo no classes. U know why?! cos all my lecturers hav left us to study on our own for the finals while they are headed to Genting to enjoy themselves on a retreat! Hahaha…cruel cruel!

Sunday went to SSGC to witness an stunning event. Mel and Tee Ming was to be submerge into water! Heheeh…congrats guys! Happy spiritual b’day! A few RBSers were there and we did some catching up…while some posing too! It was fun…we started to recall wat we did in RBS, laughed our heads off becoz the guys got caught for staying up after lights off. Hahaha…then we started to talk bout our mission teams…and guess wat? I totally forgotten my mission team’s name! Goodness! We spend bout an hour figuring out wat are all the names for our mission trip. Finally i got mine..hahaha I better write it down b4 i forget again. It’s Macclay! Hehehe….Better dun let the principle know bout this, he’ll hav our heads for it! Hahaa!

Then on Monday…wow, monday was the start of a stressful week. One of my good fren flew back to his home country…aw, didnt get to see him off. Jus exchanged some sms, and he’s gone. Get to talk to him yesterday though, it was 4 celcius there…wow, big difference from M’sia! HAhaha….and i went to break dance class…wow, back ache all over! I’ll hav to train harder. Chong Ming recommended at least 20 push up each day. I think i should discipline myself in doing tat to increase my arm strength. Hehehe….

All the days are more in more the same….study, sleep , eat…etc etc. U would not wanna know the details. Hehehe…

Thought of the day…well, had be stressed out lately. Maybe becoz things had been left undone around me. Nothing felt complete. The only thing tat is keeping sane is God. I’ve been praying hard for God to…jus be near. Feeling very seriously insecure. Scared and afraid to take any step forward. But trying to keep up wit life’s pace. Hate waking up to mornings which i hav nth to look forward to. Basically…i should say nth is going right in my life now. Having problems from left right, up down, and front back. But still carrying on. Wat can a girl do right? But wit God in every direction, i should be able to make it through. Trying to fix things…especially the hearts of others and myself. Negative thoughts will not leave me alone, attacking at every sign of weakness….hav to be very careful.

Gardenias are beautiful cream, white colour flowers…a blossom tat shares more than it’s fragrance and the meaning behind it speaks out more than u think. I got the meaning from watching ‘Tru calling’. I think this flower somehow…describe wat i hav kept silent all this while. Suitable for ppl like me who is bad at confrontation.

Hey hey, wow….this week is finally coming to an end!! I’m glad man! These few days had been nth much except for studying like hell…goodness! I’m so so deprived from rest, sleep, play, fun…er..actually everything except studies! My teacher is really pushing us to the limits! My whole class is like a bunch of zombie tat has jus risen from the grave or something! Next week saturday is finally the finals! I actually was glad tat it’s coming! So i can get over with it!

Today i ate so much man! Hahaha…growing fat al’d! I think becoz my metabolism rate is increasing! (Brain juice all sucked up) hahaha…! And honestly, had been going to the toilet darn often, it’s like…my food doesnt go through the intestines but fall directly downwards! Hahaha…sot sot…study too much Bio al’d! My classmate has the same problem…hmm…wonder if it’s the A-levels infectious disease? Besides tat, i’ve learn to bring my discman to coll (Sori la…too poor to hav MP3 player!) hehehe….i’ve been addicted to this CD, Planet Shaakers—Evermore. Wow! A complilation of great songs man! I’m listening to it as i speak. Too bad i dun hav the money now to buy the cd…so, still borrowing it from a fren. Soon la…if i hav extra and if i get to CanaanLand. Hehehe…can’t wait!

Thought of the day…well, lately have not much time to think bout jus anything. But i know God has moved me a lot throughout this period of time. I read a statement today…" Tears are often the telescope to look into heaven" Well, cant help but feeling there’s much truth inside of this statement. Through tears…only we can clearly see how heaven is like. God has been gracious to me…holding me through times when i deny i needed Him. I cant thank Him more. It’s such comfort every night b4 u go to bed….u know though u dun see ppl around u…but u can feel God surrounding u…tat u r not alone.

Bid farewell to a good fren today…well, didnt know wat to say to each other…but somehow, filled with unspoken wishes. Life is full of meetings and separation. We meet people everyday, and we lose some of them everyday oso…only those who really cares, leave footprints behind. People change, people move on, people may lose contact of each other, but really important is the memories tat stays in the heart.

Song GoT STuCk

Evermore by Planet Shakers

I will sing

Of the mercy of the Lord

And i will shout

Of your faithfulness oh God

For there is none like You

Seated in Your majesty

Holy One i come

To worship You forevemore

You are my God my life my all

And i live for You alone,

I am Yours evermore

Heaven and earth will shout Your praise

The wonder of Your name

I’ll proclaim Evermore

Evermore, Evermore

And i will run Into Your presense

And i will sing,

Sing forever….

~Lord…into Your arms…let me run to You O Lord…

Well well, i didnt on9 for quite some time al’d! Hahahaha…mail box oso big al’d! Hahaha…anyways, this week had been so hectic! Feel like bailing from a-levels. Seriously, no joke man! It killin me!! I had 1 Chem test, one maths quiz, one moral Tests, and two Bio verbie! Goodness…all tat in one week! The worse was the BIo verbie!! But thank to God i got through both without serving the penalty! Hahaha! Eh! It’s terrible wan ok?! For the last verbie, the penalty is tat for every question will hav to write 150 times. So, we calculated, lets say, the questions is: " Name three functions of the cell membrane" And u fail to answer, so, one function write 150 sentences. So, one sentence can hav bout 5 words. 150×5=750 words. Well, since there’s 3 functions….then it’ll be 750×3=2250 words. Well…imagine if there’s more than three functions with more than 5 words per sentence. I shiver at the thought! Seriously, it’s no joke man! I kena b4 tat time only 50 times…hahahaha!

Nth much really happened these few days, my only time of relaxation was having lunch wit a fren yesterday! Sad case la! And guess wat? My classmates hav come out wit a new quote: "Life is NOT tough, becoz we hav NO LIFE!" Hahaha…A-levels students are sad case ppl i tell u! Next week i’m having 1 stats quiz, 1 maths quiz and 1 maths test, then i got two bio pre-finals paper….which means..i’m gonna die soon! Sigh! No time to do anything else! Sigh….I wonder when will i hav my life back!

Thought of the day….as u can see, my days hav not been great~plus witht he terrible ‘monster’ tat is inside me, i’m barely holding on. My ‘immune system’ is darn low, and the ‘pathogens’ are so darn active! Sigh……i dun know wat is happening lately, maybe Satan know tat i’m weak…he’s trying to penetrate through me. One by one, i’m recieving his blows. But fortunately, i’m still having my sense not to go against him by myself. I’ve been seeking God’s help, though at times, silence gaze me back, i’m determine tat help is on the way. I recieve quite a big blow today…One of my best frens, i dun know whether it’s on purpose or jus normal. I had a fight wit her a few days ago, and i cant help thinking, she’s getting back at me. I was hurt by wat i think she’s trying to do. Makes me think wat frenship is for. Maybe we jus drifted so far apart tat we dun anything in common adi. She complained tat we dun share as much things like we used to…..i dun know y…though this is the fact, but doesnt mean i dun appreciate our frenship. How can someone who claims to be ur ‘best fren’ and someone who claims to ‘love u’ turn 180 degrees overnite and bite u on the back? I was strongly tempted to turn around and punch her in the face….but somehow, something stopped me…and i know the Spirit is working me. I withdrew my blow and silently swallow the hurt and pain. I didnt want her to be hurt…jus becoz i am. Coz i should know better…the only path is to run to GOd. And jus sit at His feet. Only through His shelter…i feel save. Where no pathogens shall attack me….

I dun know when all these things tat are surrounding me will fade away….jus looking upwards and hoping tat God would protect my heart. As the ‘disease’ slowly creeps throughout my body, i’m jus praying that the vaccination will come soon…before it takes over my heart. Nth but discouragement these days from ppl…hopes tat failed, dreams tat refuse to come true…barely hanging on to life’s rollercoaster.

Hey hey, today woke up at bout 9.30am….hahahaha…luckily, i was too tired last nite. I didnt wake up at the middle of the night! Hahaha…good la, if not, i very cham la! Will be thinking bout the movie! Heheheh….anyways, today i went Aunt Julia’s house to help her clean the house. Elaine was suppose to meet me and Mei Yoon there at 11am….but when we arrive and call her..she was so shock we were there! Hahaha…seems that her watch was half an hour late. HAhahaa…when she arrived, we more or less finish al’d! Hehehe…but it was ok la! Aunt Julia talked to us a lot, i guess she feels lonely at times.

After tat, most likely the same. Went to church, well, i like the enviroment there….i mean it’s more organized than having a cell group at homes. Then played captain ball! Hahaha…so long didnt play ‘real’ captain ball in TSM al’d! Feels great! Hehehehe….

Thought of the day…there’s this weird feeling in me la…has been bothering me!! I cant get rid of it…yet pin point why i feel like this! Cis!! I’m feeling a bit of resentment. I know i shouldnt la…but…aih! Jus make me feel angry only!! Besides tat…i feel tat i’m losing something. I dreaded this kind of feeling…every morning i wake jus to face reality again. Nth to wake up to, except for another of struggles and obstacles. Hard to even pull myself off the bed. Hoping i could buy a lil’ bit more time in dream land!! (I wanna get permanent residentship!! Got wan a??) Anyways, when i 1st heard the news, it didnt struck me. Until reality sinks in….aih! The feelings is terrible! Soon, things r going to be different…i wonder when will i see the cause of this obstacle.

Song Tat toUChed Me

I’ll be OK by Desperation

I will throw myself down at Your feet

i will lay down my life on my knees

You alone i run to

No one helps me like You

Chorus:

I’ll be OK

When i’m safe in Your arms

And the thirst of this world fades away

I’ll be OK with You

I’ll be OK when it’s You by my side

And the tears of this life wipe away

i’ll be ok wit u, i’ll be ok….

I will i lay down my pride for Your grace

I will give anything, for one look

Look of ur face

You alone i run to

No one helps me like u do

I’ll be, I’ll be, I’ll be ok wit You

O Lord,

I’ll be ok

NO more fear…No more pain

Coz…i’ll be ok……

~I remember crying myself to sleep with this song like time. Hahaha…it still touches me until this day…Thank You Lord for holding me when i needed You most…Letting me know You are near….and becoz of tat, i’ll be Okay…~

Hey!! I’m back…thx for those ppl tat asked whether i update my blog or not! This shows tat u cared for me! Hehehe…and to those who jus knew i had a blog and read it….Dun be scared by me! Hahahaha…and…i do hav a crazy lil’ mind!

Hmm….these days i hav been attending the Planet Shakers concert everynite…straight for three days…and i really feel good bout it! It’s great, for those who went, u should know wat i’m talking bout. But those who didnt went, i tell u, u missed an amazing oppurtunity! Hahaha…so, make sure u r present for the next one! Well, all and all…going there was worth it!

Today at class, we’re suppose to hav our verbie again! (Defination of Verbie: it is a mind torture game tat requires drains all of ur strength and energy, and if u are not persistant enuf, a death trap maybe waiting for u.) So, i studied for it…till i became more like a ‘panda’ al’d…(*Boo Hoo*) and i got one of the most easy question..well, not tat i’m complaining…but…all that hard work jus for one…tiny….question. Sigh! Cant help feeling a bit wasted. Well, rite after tat, she didnt just ‘release’ us…she gave another 5 structure questions and 11 essay questions to finish…sigh! Hahaha..then i went home after class, straight away, i finished everything!! Yeah! Geng leh? Muahahaha! Then i went to Pyramid and catched a movie with my fren. Hahaha..two of us were scared out of our skins by the show…Exorcism of Emily Rose! Hahaha…i dun dare to wake up at 3am anymore! And coincidently, Tao Cheng was in the same cinema…i invited him over for the concert…but he FFK me!!! Huh!! TAO CHENG! BERANI ENGKAU!! Cis! Then went to Nando’s for dinner…and to the concert, and i’m here..typing my blog…

Thought of the day….for all week long, i’ve been thinking of this day. Tat i would expect it to be a happy day. After all, it’s the weekend, and oso having a movie and Planet shakers concert, wat could go wrong rite? The scary thing is…everything seems to go on normally…but….somehow, i feel differently. Something has gone over me….and i dun know wat.

A fren stated: "the ones u cares the most always leave" I wonder to wat extend tat is true… and if it extends widely, i dun even wanna start to think how sad the world can be. Separation is a painful process, but it’s reality. Whether it’s for the good or for the worse, all is out of our hands…only miracles can make a difference.

Er…special msg to those who i didnt know ever reads my blog, but hav been doing so faithfully…i wanna thank u for ur time. And i know some of u r wondering wat all my ‘thoughts of the day’ means…well, for those i didnt explain to u wat is going on…pls dun think tat i dun trust u or i’m not close to u. But i wanna keep it to certain limit wat i’m going through. The purpose of me writing this blog is tat i wanna express myself in a new way…and oso keep record of myself throughout the time period. Anyways, thank u for ur time. If u r curious, pls approach me…er, no need to ask around ok? Ciao!

Hey hey…first day of school….hehee…feeling a bit lazy as usual la…

Thought of the day…no mood to write my events today. But my heart is bursting with things to say. Remember the risk…i’ve been challenged all these while? I’ve taken it. I’ve confronted the matter that so deeply bothered me. I hav no idea wat is the outcome. Though i hav a 10/10 percent of failing! Hahaha…even though…i know it will be easier to let go. But i hav no idea that erasing every memory that has been precious to u for long could be so…painful. But a girl has to do wat a girl has to do. So wat if the rain doesnt come? I’ll be moving to a tropical country! Let the ‘rain’ come and find me! Hehee..saying is often easier than putting into action. Leaving may be hard…but my heart is too weak to stay.

I dun know wat’s going to happened after i’ve taken this bold step. I’ve sabotage a precious frenship. But as i think more of it….actually, there’s nth much left of our frenship. I figured might as well end it while it’s still worth something. Maybe someday, hopefully, i’ll be reading this and smile tat i’ve been courageous enuf to take this step. I dun wan my nightmare to come true. Still waiting for a hand to pull me out while i’m stepping unto a road i’ll regret taking.

~Thx for the ride….but it’s jus too exhilarating for me!

Selamat Hari Raya!! Hehehe…today i woke up so late tat i’m so happy! Hahaha…great way to prevent black eye rings. HAhaha,…didnt hav a plan today…but i was feeling creative. Like i wanna get my hands moving…making something. I did achieve it…but not the way i wanted it to. I ended up unscrewing and bangging a whole cupboard. Becoz the real ‘engineer’ of the house, fixed it up all wrongly, so it’s time for the ’sister’ to do the dirty work. I spend two hours fixing a kitchen cabinet. My fingers are all sore and painful from it. And my whole afternoon is spent…jus like tat. Sigh! But it turned out ok, mom gave me RM50 for my effort! Hehehe…and dad bought us Sushi King as dinner. Hehehe…it was great! Worth the job. Dad said to mom:" Other ppl hire indonesians to do the work, u HAV to hire ur daughter!!" Hahahaha…. anyways…i didnt watch movie today, so i guess tat’s something different! Hehehee….

Thought of the day…not feeling very good. Except for feeling great for sleeping late…other things in my mind prevented me from crawling out of my bed. Didnt want to face the world again, hoping i can slip back into slumber land, in search of a nice dream which i can be a permanent resident. But i think my permit in slumber land expired and was kicked back out to the harsh world again.

Does the term :" And they live happily ever after" only suits a story in the book? Why cant our lives be a classicily written fairy tale? Why dun we jus find the one we are suppose to be with and hav a nice life after that? So so so tired of searching and trying. Feels like every effort i’ve made is trampled on. I dun see where i’m going. Doubts start to creep into my mind. And my body urges vividly to take the easier path which is wrong. I had scary nightmares of going down the easy path. Ended up regretting my whole life. But in present time, it is so tempting…dun know how long i could restrain myself. I dun wanna believe tat fairy tales only happens in a book. But in reality, i think it is. I’m always thinking…" Maybe this or that will happen, or this would change, or maybe it’s not as bad as u think…" but bluffing urself ain’t gonna work either.All i can do is to look up for the best. I dun wanna regret my whole life. Sometimes…or often, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Every ounce of strength is being drawn… Maybe i will register for a longer permit to stay in dreamland…..

Hey hey…since now is the holidays, i shall update my blog everyday! Hardworkign leh? Thx for those who reads my blog…i really appreciate u guys giving out time to read this crap! Hehehe…Anyways, today was a good day. I went and watch movie (again!!) Three days in a row…i think i’m going to bankrupt al’d! : P anyways, i watched "A sound of thunder" today with a fren. It was not bad…better than wat i think it would be actually! Hehehe….

Today is the birthday of a guy tat i first love, the real person tat holds me through the good and the bad. I’m very grateful tat he has been choosen to be in my life. I know God want us to be together for a reason. And if not for him, i will not hav such a beautiful life. ^_^ I still remember the time he held me as i cried and somehow…being a tough guy, he cried with me. Thx a lot! So, today we went to 1 Utama to watch a movie. We bought the ticket and ate at Vietnam Kitchen. It was great, the food was delicious! And then we watched "Corpse Bride" I think it’s a good movie. Heheheh…funny, creative and touching. I find it meaningful. Hehehehe…i think it’s a great ‘dating’ movie. Hahahaha…of course, he belanja la!! THX DAD!! Muahahaha… then we went to hav dinner with mom, bro and sze ni. It was great, we laughed and shared. We had sharkfin soup and crab. Muahahaha…then opened a bottle of wine and even took pictures. Heheheh…family quality time!

Thought of the day…well, soemhow, after watching corpse bride, i feel tat it has a very powerful meaning behind it. Though i cant figure it out…sigh! My days has not been litted up. In the movie, the bad guy asked:" Tell me Emily, does a heart still breaks after it it stopped beating?" Well, i guess it would…coz it’s not the body tat feels, but the soul. And our soul doesn’t die. I dun know why….feel so sad la! Like i hav no life…gggrrrrrr!! I find my body started to tune up it’s defence system al’d. It’s making me feel strange feelings to protect myself from being hurt. Sigh! Cis…blurring my vision…dun know wat is true and wat is fake…only hoping for a kind hand that will catch me…

Song GoT StuCk

You’re beautiful by James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true,
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
Cause I’ll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Lalala lalala lalala lalala laaaaaa

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you

~Still unwilling to face the truth….